I did the unforgivable.

While I hid his site from some of a close friend who asked the url address, I never had a chance to refuse my officemate’s request on seeing his blog. I wasn’t able to use my excuse that that site is too personal, or too emotional, for him, and yes for me.

I wasn’t supposed to discover that blog. It was for his personal and private use. But since he has already posted a link in it in Multiply, I figured, well, he created a link there, so maybe it’s okay to browse there every once in a while.

And I allowed his site to be condemned by a third party.

Whenever I feel depressed, or in a desperate need of uplifting, I try my best to find a really really good book. And his blog entries lately made me comment to an officemate of mine how I wanted to buy a book, like right now. I said that when we were going to the Patio to buy lunch.

During lunch time, my officemate asked me for the url of that account, so she could visit it. And I was not able to refuse her.

She read the entries which caused me pain for the past few days. I cringed. This is bad. This is to personal for him, too emotional, and too hurting for me. And yet, here I was showing it to a third party who don’t even know his name.

Her reactions to the posts were an ego-burst for me. “Duh, men..no, not men, boys..”

“They never grow up, this is full of OA..”

I told her, had she learn my private blog, she would condemn me the same words that she has condemned him. BUt she replied, “but you are a girl, we tend to be too emotional. Boys tend to be too OA..”

As an unconcerned third person, her verdict was, that he wasn’t liked by the girl. For a mort hurtful term.. “nandidiri sa kanya ung girl” let’s ace it shall we, when a girl learns, or feels that a guy likes her, if she doesn’t like him, she will draw a big fat line, she will ignore him, as if he doesn’t exist.

Which is basically what I have done to some guy just a few months ago. I ignored his advances til he felt like crap.

My officemate said, the entries are nothing but a gramblings of a guy who is ignored by a girl whom he loves, and that he felt that much cravings for the girl because she could never be available for him.

To make the most of her blunt scrutiny, I then asked..”So what am I? An ego-booster?”

She replied, “Maybe, he really is for friendships ake, but yes, you are his ego-booster. Since he can’t have the girl that he likes, he’s obviously going after someone who is crazy for him, and you’re letting him getting it. You’re not contradicting his advances you know. You are encouraging it.”

And so I was like, woah, that was a snap, a painful snap in the side of my head. I was snapped back into consciousness. Her words might be hurtful, she might not have known him at all, but her meaning went straight home. Why would I pin for someone who is for another person? He is making a crap out of himself. He has to move on. It’s trashy, men, Boys are not supposed to be like that.

“But he is, and he is never that exact person. “

“Exactly, which is the reason why you should think of this as nothing. He just can’t over the fact that he’s dumped. Do not dwell on that. Like move on?”

I got the wake-up call that I needed. Yes he is in love, but just like me, he was pinning over someone that he can’t have. And so what if he really like that person? There is no way she could like him back, he was honest about that.

And I cannot do anything about it, right? Except pretend that I do not care about it all. So he’ll be using me as an ego-booster. Let’s see.

Through my officemate’s view, I was awaken to my senses. Haha, at least for the time being.

My officemate remarked, “Till next blog..”

That’s right. Because I’ll be following the chronicles of his infatuation, and thanks to my officemate, I managed to see the situation in a different perspective.

 

 

I told a friend yesterday that from now on I shall be censoring my entries in my Multiply account, which I had been thinking of doing for the last few months. Because, well, the entries here can get a little too trashy sometimes, particularly when I am in the mood to just rant. And my rants can be a little too emotional, really.

But heck, why would I want to do so? That was me, then. I was just being truthful with what I write. I never kept a journal, and my blogs seemed the perfect outlet for me. I have always been an aspiring writer, so even though my compositions can get too bummed out sometimes, its my way of expressing out myself and my anger.

Where is this going? Nowhere it seems. As like my previous entry here, I am still in a state of shock. Damn. Of course I have known it all along. And damn me, it was a hammer that I keep on thumping in my head. I’d like to quote Meredith Grey when she has said “Why do I keep on hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so damn good when I stop!”

I am being masochist. I love dwelling in the pain, and the hurt that it forever causes me. Nah, this is just the weird personality of me speaking out, the weird, crazy, insane and bummed out me. But really, the pain I keep on inflicting on myself seemed to deepen my wounds, which in reality, have never ceased to heal.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. There were news that I have heard from friends that took me by surprise. All the while I keep on asking myself, why only them? Why can’t anything new happened to me? I was in a position where in I am currently experiencing a mid-life crisis. Funny things is, I am just 23.

Damn. I need a distraction. I was too engrossed with catching up with other people’s lives. In doing so, I see myself being frozen in time, and I hate being so. I questioned my position for being so. It’s not as if there were no distraction that passed by. There was, for a time. And I am honest enough to say that I have been a little too distracted, and tempted, that for a time I thought that this could be the one who will take away my hammer.

Come on, I am just sidestepping the real reason why I suddenly decided to write this entry. But, I am honest enough to accept the fact that I am still on the stage of denial (and endless hoping) in thinking of it as otherwise. After all, how could it not? I am just here, sitting in my own comfortable couch, when the world suddenly decided to spin, and I was caught off-guard with its turn.

But with each passing day, I am learning to accept the inevitable, which I should have learned a long long time ago, which I refused to accept because my hammer really is a good hurting device. Really, I should have moved on a long time ago. And yet, condemn me, I did not.

Sorry Cha, I was paranoid. And I was too hard-headed for my own sake. Should have listen to you, should have just ignored those blinking orange lights and go with the green light.

I revel in the pain, because I thought that when the hurt is too much, it will then become a tingling, almost enjoyable sensation. But it did not. And it can never be. So, the thing is, since there will be no one to come to take away my hammer, I will continue hitting myself with it, until I finally get into my senses, realize that I have hurt myself too much. It will, I hope, come to a point where I can no longer accept more pain and more hurt. It will come to a point where I would realize that there is no one who can pull this hammer away from me. It has to be done by myself alone.

Until that time will come, the hammer will continue hitting me, until I force it to stop.

I hope it would be anytime soon.

 

I have an entry like this one in Multiply, written almost one month ago, that is pertaining to another person. He was the one whom I now consider as a summer fling. Looking back, he was indeed a summer fling. It all started in an overnight swimming, and had ended in another overnight swimming too.

I would like to say that I haven’t got any hard feelings for him. I would like to consider him as a friend who occupied my thoughts for the better two months of the summer of 2008.There were no hard feelings for the little flirtation that I had engaged with him. Never mind if he had a girlfriend, never mind if I spent the better half of my monthly cellphone allowance just so I could reply to his everyday messages. At least he had distracted me.

I now write this entry, not because of him. But because of another person.

Of course, who am I talking about this time? I won’t say a name, nor a clue. But for those who have known me for quite a time, they would know who he is of course. Let’s just say that he is that one person who will always be a big part of my life.

He never walked out on me. But literally, he was away. And I chose to distance myself away from him for the main reason that I do not want my whole world to revolve around him, the way that it did exactly one year ago. I had been in heaven-and-hell the whole of last year. I was thrown into a roller-coaster ride that I had willingly climbed myself into. It was exhilirating, and destructful at the same time.

I tried my best, not to contact him. Last year, I couldn’t resist the urge to invite him out on a movie, on a dinner. I cannot resist the temptation of even sending a forwarded message to him. I was that infatuated, that crazy.

That was then. Of course, I could still feel the urge to do so, every once in awhile. But his being away helped me cure this addiction, this insanity. I was forced to look at myself, and realize what a fool I have become. I do feel the same way for him, of course. I don’t know how long I would be like this. And yet, at least, now I am slowly coming back to the surface. I now figured, I have already collected my broken pride.

During the last quarter of last year, I have done things, said things that I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying and doing when I was young. I opened my heart and mind to the consequences, let my innermost feelings be exposed. It took me quite a long time to find myself together after my revelation. I was in my most-downing moments. I never thought I could be myself again.

But I did. Even if that person (to whom my entry of the same title in Multiply was dedicated to) and I no longer communicate with each other, I would be forever greatful to him, for he had helped me in picking up the pieces of me. He helped me, with his attention, his flirtation. I was for a time, enarmored by him.

Now back to the other guy, I dedicate this entry to. He was, and always is, a good friend. If comes July and he would decide to contact me, I still wouldn’t know how to act around him. Maybe I would remain the same of course, while in mind there is the thought that despite my friendly attitudes, he have known that I have fallen in love with him, even after all these years.

But, even if we still see each other, I am now wary. For underneath my apparent enjoyment of being with him, was my knowledge that he had already fallen in love with another, and that I no longer have any chance with him, no matter how hard I pray and will for it to happen. It is the tide, I cannot swim against the flow.

He was in love, and I believe he still is, to a girl whose identity I might never know at all. In my mind, I hoped that it was me, but that is only the crazy part of me, hoping to find the needle in a haystack. It could never be me. The painful part is, he has hovered his affections for her for the same number of months that I still haven’t move on, the same number of months wherein my pride has been shattered.

I vowed that I will move on, but pardon me if I would dwell on those moments wherein I cannot help but take pity on myself. And yet somehow, I know, little steps at a time, that I am moving forwards..

I know I have already said this a gazillion times before, but perhaps I will never fall in love again with the same intensity as I have fallen in love with him. After all, this was been seven years and counting. There are bitterness inside me, I know. But there is no longer regret. I have done everything I could. If fate would not let me be together, I am at least thankful that it has given me the opportunity of getting to know him.

Yes, he was my almost lover. He never knew that of course. But for every little meeting that we have, every dinner, every exchange of news with each other, I have always hoped. Now, I shall throw this hope to the winds, because that is all there is, false hopes.

But still, let me say this.. “I have loved you…and thank you..,”

Speaking of Dreams, I am going to write here about my dream last night. I am on the verge of being in control right now. So far, so good. I have not shed a tear last night., and if this is going to take one little bitter step at a time, so be it.

Back to the dream. I dreamt last night. I haven’t been thinking about him for a long time. Yet in my dream, I remembered vividly everything. I remembered how he looked like, his smile: those thin red lips of his smiling. I remembered his bod, and it won’t help that in my dream he wore a sleeveless sando that showed his perfectly muscled torso.

In my dream, he had been looking for me, and I was with my high school friends, asking them to help me escape from him. I hid everywhere, but he have the means of having a friend who had a motorcycle, whom he backrode in.

Still there? This might sound a little crazy, but in my dream he tried his best to find me, which did not occur because I tried my all to hide away from him, right to the point wherein my high school friends decided to tell me that I have to face him right then and there.

And so after a couple of hide and seek, I did show myself to him. And I vaguely remembered how I must have felt when he had smiled at me.

I told my friend yesterday that he did indeed have fault on me, and yet I haven’t erased him in my contacts in Friendster. Yes, I admit that there was a time wherein I have been so crazy about him. He was this guy, after all, who had made me smile for several months.

Honestly, I wanted to remember how I did fell for him way back. He was this guy, whom I had considered to be way beyond my reach. And he was, literally, way too out of my league.

What the hell am I doing? Yesterday I read his blog stating about his dream with a girl, and now this? I am writing an entry about a guy? Ha…Let me, please. It’s okay. I am in denial. I know.

Back to the dream. In my dream, he asked if he could see me regularly. I think he must have asked if we could, get together sometime. And I was happy. Because I vaguely remembered how he was so excited because I agreed on dating him.

Now where is this going? Nothing perhaps. But I just want to write a thing about it. And, at least, make a reminder that even in my dream, some other guy had made me smile.

Thank you.

I vow to myself

..I will no longer stalk his wordpress account to see his updates (whether it regarding his lovelife nor his life)

..I will not contact him, whether in ym, nor in his cellphone, nor in his website

..I will no longer cry for him

..I will not visit all the websites connected to him (his friendster, nor multiply account)

..I will not search his name or yahoo id in friendster

..I will move on..

I have to do this now. Now that I am still on my right frame of mind. I visited the site a few minutes back, and read the article again. Okay then, sue me. Of course, I know that there would still be moments of weakness, wherein I cannot do anything except wallow in the pain. But for the mean time though, I will work on detaching myself right now, right on. Because if I do not make a will to do so, I will end up feeling everything all over again, suffering, taking all the consequences..

I realized all along, the moment that I had seen that first entry in his blog, there is going to be an eruption, that I am destined to learn something about him that I would not like. And I was correct of course. For it was never in his personlity to jot down his emotions. But lo and behold, suddenly I became aware that there was someone in his sleeve after all. Someone who existed seven months ago, who had claimed his heart at the same moment that I had exposed my feelings for him.

Perhaps my blog would still be filled with entries about college friend, but I will try my best not to cry, not to let myself sulk into another depression. I can do this, I have done it before. I can do it again. As I have always claimed, perhaps I will never love a guy as much as I did him, but I will no longer have to depend every single day of my life for him.

This is going to be a painful process. A long painful process. I have done promising myself to forget him so many times ago. I wouldn’t know if it would again become another one of those promises to myself unfulfilled. But at least let me think, even for jsut a short period of time, that I can do this this time around.

(Sigh..) I can do this.

*Re: I told myself that this is going to be an uplifting blog. But hey, I cannot lie to myself. I cannot hide the fact that I am depressed.

Since I am feeling at little down (with a desperate need to uplift my spirits) today, I want to create a post that I needed to keep in mind in the few years to come. A list, which was more or less inspired by another blogger in this site (whose username I wouldn’t want to disclose.

And since the idea has come into my mind about half-an-hour ago, decided to let this site be my uplifting blog. I would let this be as impersonal as possible, by impersonal, I meant devoid of human emotions and rants…haha! But nevertheless, I would turn this into a site that I would crave to fill with entries every once in a while. Let’s start shall we?

For my first uplifting entry (and an enlightening one for that matter) I’d like to put in here a list of must-do’s. In this list, I would be a little selfish in my part, for in here I will be indicating my what-to-do’s for me alone, family and siblings aside. It’s just a list anyways.

 

                     Things to do/ have before I turn 25:

                     1. Earn more than **grand – yup that’s right. And since i will not achieve this with my current company, I should really be on the job-hunt right now

                     2. A laptop – I’m looking, I’m looking

                    3. A new cellphone – I can afford this right now, but my self-obsessed wallet is adamant on filling itself as of the moment.

                    4. My savings to be at least ***grand.. – hm…this is going to be a real challenge, you know

                    5. Boyfriend! – now this is going to be a BIGGER challenge! oh my, oh my..

                   6. Earning a masterral degree, or an equivalent academic program – do I really wanna challenge myself this much?

                   7. Travel out of the country – now this I really really like to do.

                   8. Able to drive myself from office to house (once in a year would do, as long as I can do it alone)

 

Actually, these challenges are not enough for me. Come to think of it, I have grown stagnant for the past three and a half years (since I have graduated..) And since I am in no point closer to these goals than I was three years ago, I am writing them down in the hopes that they would be my mantra in the next few years ahead. Wheneve I feel down and lonely, here is my mantra, and hopefully, they would bring out the best in me.

Now, let’s go for more stretchable goals.

 

                   Things to do/ have before I turn 30:

                   1. Have my own house, and living in it – doesn’t matter if it is 100% paid, or still under mortgaged, as long as I am on my independent self!

                    2. Married – ha! please see my first list, #5 please.

                    3. Had sex – If my #2 doesn’t work, at least do not let me be abstained when I turn this age.

                   4. European tour! – now I really really like this (admit it, I wanted someone in particular in my side) – -> wah! I thought this is going to be an uplifting blog?

                   5. Managerial position – I wouldn’t accept here a junior assistant, or an assistant manager. It has to be a Manager..or up

                   6. One million bucks?! – Or at least in assets!

                  7. Masterral degree (or at least several academic programs) under my belt – I really want this, for my enrichment.

                   8. Earn more than ** grand – now this, I REALLY REALLY have to have

 

Looking back, these are pretty uptight. And I have to put on a tighter belt, and a more serious frame of mind if I decided to pursue all of these goals before I turn 25 and 30. I can do this, or rather, I hope I could. Aja!

(figures were deleted, but complete post I had in motime)

I have created several blogs in different sites in my seven years of being a web addict. I have my private, semi-private and my public blog..So what is this anyway? Would this be any different from my motime? multiply? or blogger account? Ha, I don’t know!

I am a blog addict. I never keep a diary, nor a journal. Or maybe, I did. Erase that, I do. There were some scraps of notebooks being left around in the house wherein I poured some of my innermost and most embarassing (and hell-raising) secrets indeed. Just hoping it wouldn’t be read while I am still alive.

So, what do I do now? Aside from the fact that I just created another blog in this world that I have no idea what I would like to put..Hmm..since I can no longer access my blogger account, might as well put some of my posts there here..

Admit it, I am just on the verge of being a stalker mode again.So what? Condemn me.