“Kung hindi mo mahal and isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

“Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon.”

“Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.”

“Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

“Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

“Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

“Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”

“Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din.”

“Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

“Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko.”

“Hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?”

“Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka.”

”Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: Magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

“Pakawalan mo ang mga bagay na makakasakit sa’yo kahit na pinapasaya ka nito. Huwag mong hintayin yung araw na sakit na lang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.”

“Pag di ka mahal ng taong mahal mo, huwag kang magagalit. Kasi may mga tao rin na mahal na mahal ka pero hindi mo sila makuhang mahalin. Kaya kwits lang.”

“Kapag pinag-aagawan ka malamang maganda o gwapo ka. Sumama ka sa mabuti, hindi sa mabait. Sa marunong hindi sa matalino. Sa mahal ka, hindi sa gusto ka.”

“Hiwalayan mo na kung hindi ka masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kung hindi pagkukusa.”

Next time, if a man leaves you alone, punch him okay? -Soo-hyuk

I told you you’re my only friend and not to make me lonely, I thought to myself as I was leaving in Paris. I’m leaving for good. I’m going to Korea or wherever it is, because someone is there. Because that someone is my everything. -Soo-hyuk

Why does it have to be her? Isn’t there a better woman? -Tae-young

Remember this? You gave this to me. It has 20 songs in it. Do you know how many times I listened to this? 6 times 20 songs. I was sitting next to uncle’s car all night long. I’m tired of waiting, I’m not waiting anymore -Soo-hyuk

Lean on me. Lean on me and cry all you want. Just cry -Soo-hyuk

I will like you until the day I die. I will never change -Soo-hyuk

 

There’s a saying that there’s no reason for love. It’s a lie. How could someone love for no reason? I can tell you at least 100 reasons why I like you. Your voice, your fingers, your scent, your shadow. I even like your amnesia. I like everything about you. That’s my reason. -Soo-hyuk

 

I started to get lonely since last night. Let’s not be sarcastic. I know where your heart is, but don’t go any further. Take your time, it wouldn’t hurt and then decide who’s the right one for you. I hope it’s me you choose. -Soo-hyuk

You know why I’m always carrying this? It’s because I have to wait for someone. Do you remember how many songs were stored in this? 20 songs but now there are 40. Because I need to wait longer. 4 minuted for 1 song. 40 for 10. 160 for 40. I listen to this for a few times and I can spend the whole day. -Soo-hyuk

For making you lose your smile. You weren’t like this before, you were always smiling but now you’re not anymore. I think I made you this way. I’m sorry. -Tae-young

The best thing one can do for someone who loves her is, or course, loving him, loving each other, right? But if she doesn’t love him, she shouldn’t leave any hope for him. Because even the smallest hope can be a tremendous torture to him. That’s why it’s called hope torture. -Tae-young

He may not be the right person for you but he could mean the life to someone. I think you should let him go. -Yang mi

I like Tae-young, much more than you think. I gave so many things for you in my life, but I don’t want to give up Tae-young. I want you to let her go. You have everything, my mother and your company. You don’t have to ask for anything. You don’t know what pain is, what waiting it. You don’t know any of that, but I do. You can never be a good man. Your life is too byst. Tae-young will feel lonely. But I only got Tae-young in my life. I love her. Please, uncle. -Soo-hyuk

I really liked that piece of pottery. It’s because I kept it close to me. Now it’s broken because I kept it close to me. -Ki-joo’s father

There isn’t anymore. It’s over. Someone took her from me. -Soo-hyuk

You’ve given back everything to me. My heart and this cellphone. But I have nothing to give back to you. I never got anything from you -Soo-hyuk

Have you ever loved a woman without a reason? You just look at her and you suddenly fall in love. Well, I have. There wasn’t any reason when I started liking her. But after that her everything were my reasons. I liked everything. But I lied to her, I lied that I didn’t like her anymore. -Soo-hyuk

Why didn’t you look at me then? You could’ve seen me before you saw him. If you saw me before him, I would have been there for you. What an excuse. We weren’t that close, why should you like me? And why should I like you? We weren’t even that close. We didn’t do anything. Nothing. -Soo-hyuk

People who love someone must all hurt -Soo-hyuk

I am not a Cinderella. I am just a woman in love with a man. The fact that he is rich is just a part of who he is such as being a good singer or having a pretty smile, they are all parts of him. -Tae-young

The two people I love left me nothing but wounds, so you have to live happily. -Soo-hyuk

Right now. The times I had with you are the happiest moments of my life. -Ki-Joo

He won’t come, you’re only hurting your neck -Keon

 

Let me stay like this for a while. I’m too tired. Maybe I talked too much, I feel empty inside. Just for 5 minutes. No, 10 minutes. Mom, why did you only like uncle? No one in this world can split his or her love. You only have one heart and you gave it all to uncle. Why not me? -Soo-hyug

I’ll never move away from anyone from now on especially in front of uncle. I’ll take you I’ll take you away from him. And I’ll never let you go. Should I say it again? I’ll never let you go. You are mine. -Soo-hyug

I don’t need a friend, I’d rather be alone. -Soo-hyug

Why is it love if it hurts me? -Soo-hyug

Why is it not? I’m hurt so much. I can’t bear it. I’m going crazy, is this not love? -Soo-hyug

How can someone be cool in frotn of love? There’s no one, especially those who lost it, they become hopeless and pathetic. That’s what I am. I have to cry ten times to smile once. That’s what I have to do. -Soo-hyug

I can’t. I can’t tell you anything. I lost everything because I didn’t love. But uncle has everything because he has love, whether that is from you or my mom. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t know because you are in love. And uncle of course doesn’t either. He doesn’t know how it feels to be hurt all alone. -Soo-hyug

Then come back to me. You can’t, can you? Then I’ll have to make you. -Soo-hyug

Why didn’t you smile for once? If you did, if you did.. -Soo-hyug

All I needed was a moment. But you didn’t give me the chance. I didn’t know I was hurting you because I was hurt myself. I’m sorry. Please be happy. I wanted to say this to you, if I could I want to forget everything and I wish you could forget all your bad memories about me. -Soo-hyug

Can I say something silly? I’m letting you go because I love you. -Soo-hyug

 

 

 

 

1. Your ex-love gave her wedding invitation to you personally when suddenly a tear rolled down from your eyes. She wiped it immediately and said, “You’re the one I want to be with… but you didn’t fight for me.”

2. Up to where can you prove your love for someone? What will you do if that someone asks you, “Do you really love me?” Then tells you, “If yes, then set me free.”

3. “Time will come, you’ll get mad at me. Time will come, you’ll ask me why I left you. But when that time comes, this is all I have to say, “It’s not that I left you, it’s because you let me go.”

4. It’s hard to realize and to accept when the one you love has to go… it hurts but you say, “I can survive this.” But tears fall ’cause what you really mean is… “Oh God, what’s gonna happen to me?”5. “When I die, there’s just one thing I ask… I hope you’re there crying for me. But on the other hand, never mind. Why? Coz I don’t wanna see you cry, on the arms of someone else.”

6. “I wish I never met him. I wish I didn’t trust and hope too much. I wish I didn’t put myself up just to get hurt. But when I remember how much he made me happy, I go back to being stupid.”

7. “I was first hurt by someone I really love. I didn’t want to give up, even if it hurts. But one day… I did. Why? Because I got so tired and exhausted. I realized how hard it is to love someone who’s not meant for you.”

8. “I fought for you because I love you. I didn’t give up on you even though it was difficult. But when you said to me, “Sorry, I’m tired,” my heart was shattered. Not because I saw everything I worked for go down the drain, but because you left me fighting alone.”

9. Letting go doesn’t always mean, “It’s over.” Breaking up would not mean, “I’ve had enough.” Instead, it’s as good as saying, “I don’t want to see you sad anymore, go on, you deserve someone better.”

10. “I feel sad when I don’t get to see you. I get hurt each time you ignore me. I’m jealous when I see you with somebody else. Gosh! I want to keep you all to myself. But then I realized… I don’t have the right. Coz you’re not mine.”11. “Sometimes, even though you already love someone, it’s still possible to fall in love with somebody else. If that happens to you, and you’re forced to choose… follow your heart and choose the person who you’ll be happy with. Even if it’s not me, as long as you’re happy.”

12. “I loved you though I know it’s wrong. I waited for you for so long. I gave you my all until there’s nothing left for myself. I did everything for you. But is it enough for you to love me? Or is it enough for me finally give up?”13. “I got tired of waiting for you… I don’t wanna get hurt anymore. So I’m gonna stop hoping and I’ll try to move on… but I’ll walk away slowly… real slow… so if by any chance you wanna stop me, you can still catch up.”

14. I’ve done the bravest thing in my life. I let go of someone I love so much. But as I did the bravest thing, I never felt weaker. All I did was cry and wish that, “hope I was never that brave.”15. Loving someone can sometimes be exhausting. No matter how much you love a person, time will come when you have to give that person up, not because you don’t love him anymore, but because you’re hurting too much coz he can’t take care of you.16. The world can be so **** confusing. You wait for the one you love. The one you don’t love, waits for you. But the saddest thing of all… you love him, he loves you, but fate doesn’t want you to be together.

17. Did you ever love someone but you had to let them go, you thought they don’t love you, never cared. One day, you see that person again, already with a kid. You ask them, what’s the name of the kid, they smiled and said, “Same as yours.”

18. When you walked by, I told my friend, “I loved that guy.” My friend asked me, “So why did you let him go?” I answered, “If he were MINE, do you think I’ll ever let him go?”19. When I was a child, I wanted to grow up and fall in love. Now that I’ve grown up and falling, how I wish I was still a child… coz it’s easier to heal a broken knee than a broken heart!

20. People say that love is the best gift anyone could give and have… my heart was crushed and I asked myself: “isn’t it tragic when I’ve got so much love to give, yet no one seems to want it?”21. Sometimes there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone. Why? Not because the person started hating us, but because we ran out of reasons to fight for what we feel.22. “Teach me how to be strong before you go. Teach me how to believe if you ever lie. Teach me how to control my tears before I start to cry. And please, teach me how to make you stay before you say goodbye.”

23. It’s hard to live alone. It’s harder to choose someone to love. But the hardest part of loving is to admit that you’ve fallen for someone who can never be yours.

24. When you fall in love, don’t give everything without leaving something for yourself… someday, somehow, it would be too late for you to realize that you’ve given all for the wrong one, without saving something for the right one…

25. “I don’t run from you, I walk away slowly. And it kills me because you don’t care enough to stop me.”26. Life is ironic! Sometimes you keep on crying even if the guy neglects you, but you get surprised one day that just when you stopped crying and found someone new, that’s when he starts crying over losing you…

27. Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.28. The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. It’s being forgotten by someone you could never forget.29. It hurts when the one you love left you and said, “You deserve someone better.” Then all you can say is… “Maybe I do.” But deep inside you’re crying coz you know you can’t find “BETTER” when you already found the “BEST.

 

 

ONE

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!

IT’S REALLY NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

TRY TO REMEMBER THIS!…  No matter how heartbroken or distressed you are or how much pain you’re in now, try to remember that, amazing as it may seem, THIS TOO SHALL PASS – - eventually.

You will not always be in this much pain and sorrow.  Time does have a way of healing us – though it can be hard to believe that when we’re in the midst of feeling so hurt.

TWO

IT’S HORRIBLE TO HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN – HORRIBLE.

WE SYMPATHIZE COMPLETELY – BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN THERE!

Yes – let’s acknowledge that what you’re suffering is truly painful – difficult – hard to endure.  We can sympathize because we’ve been there – and so have most people.  As we’ve said, those of us who suffer from insomnia tend to be the sensitive ones, the ones who feel things deeply – no thick skins for us! – just lots of raw pain! (But that’s what makes us such special people!)

THREE

REMEMBER, YOU’RE NOT ALONE.  Do remember that most people have been there.  Very few of us get out of adolesence without a number of stabs to the heart – and for some of us – those “stabs” were a frequent part of our young adult years.  So, you’re not alone.  It’s part of being a feeling, interacting human being to every once in a while get your heart broken.  Doesn’t make it hurt any less, mind you – but it gives you a bit of a philosophical view – in case that helps.

FOUR

ALLOW YOURSELF TIME AND SPACE TO GRIEVE.

You need to feel your pain and sorrow for a while. Sure, go ahead and play that great music you danced to/made love to/laughed with – that brings back searing, haunting memories – that really gets to you – do all those things – for a while.  Cry your eyes out – of course! – that’s what heartbreak does to you – you cry a lot.  It’s healthy to cry – important – crying helps you get through the worst of the pain and it moves you along the path toward healing.  Heart break is, of course, very much like losing a loved one to death – and so you must go through a grieving process similar to that. Allow yourself the time and space to get through that process at your own individual pace.

FIVE

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF NOW  Treat yourself to whatever will help you to feel better: a fragrant bath, a new pair of shoes, a therapeutic massage, Chinese take-out, a Broadway musical (we’re writing this in New York City – but there are live shows and concerts pretty much everywhere these days) – whatever will cheer you up a bit and help you to feel just a touch “special” – even without your love.  Buy a beautiful book of poems, listen to gorgeous music (like Mozart – or Chopin), take a walk in a beautiful garden or a picturesque hillside.  And be sure to EAT RIGHT! – that means healthy, wholesome foods – not fatty, sugary junk food.  Ok, we’ll allow you an extra milk shake for now – one or two – but try not to binge or gain weight – or lose it (whichever is worse for you).  And do take vitamins and minerals that help to build up your resistance.  And of course, TRY to get some sleep! (Check out our other segments for additional help – see navigations bars to left…)

SIX

DO NOT FALL BACK ON ALCOHOL, DRUGS, CIGARETTES OR FOOD!  All of those are terrible things to do to your system (in excess) and we caution you to try to avoid getting back into any kind of previous habits you’ve had and managed to shake. There are better ways to cope with your loss!

SEVEN

LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE   That’s one thing you can get from even the worst experience – WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS? A great rabbi once said, you can learn something from everything, meaning there’s no experience that can’t teach you something worthwhile.

You WANT to learn because you don’t want to be in pain like this often in your life – right?  So you’ve got to learn what you can so you can help yourself avoid this kind of pain.  Was this broken relationship/love affair part of a pattern for you?  What does that tell you about yourself?  Can you pinpoint where your problem is?  Why you’re attracted to lovers/ relationships that consistently behave/ end up this way?  Or did you, perhaps, behave in a way that didn’t help the relationship grow and flourish?  There can be so many complexities to these things.  We urge you to be careful how you analyze the situation.

EIGHT

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP.  Don’t heap scorn on yourself for either being attracted to that person or for something you think you shouldn’t have done. That won’t help anyone!  And don’t trash your former lover, either. There must have been something nice/good/appealing about him/her or you wouldn’t have fallen so hard, right?  Best to be reasonable and balanced – and to learn from experience.  If you think there’s something within you that laid the ground work for disaster, but you don’t have a handle on it, you don’t know how to resolve it, you feel this could happen again, you’re not in control of the situation, you may want to consider seeking professional help.

NINE

REMEMBER THAT IT USUALLY DOESN’T WORK TO DEPEND UPON ANOTHER PERSON FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.  As important as relationships are – and they are important – truly central to our lives – we all must find our own true selves and our own true paths in life – independent (to some extent) of our relationships.  If you have been dependent on this relationship to resolve your problems, to make your “empty” life seem full, to finally get the love you never got as a child, etc. – well, not all relationships can withstand such pressure.  Best to get your own act together – to be reasonably happy, content and fulfilled, in certain ways, on your own – and then seek out a relationship that can add to your life.  Being dependent on another for your happiness is a good set-up for heart break.

TEN

REMEMBER THERE ARE OTHER FISHES IN THE SEA – IT’S JUST A FACT OF NATURE.  Do you think Mother Nature would set up a system whereby there is only one single person in all the world who could make each one of us happy – when the world is such a gigantic place?  That wouldn’t be a very good system for world harmony – or propagation of the species!  We have often marvelled, in our life, at how the NEXT love has proven to be so much better than the one before.  And then the NEXT one after that was so much better than that last one, etc., etc. And that doesn’t seem to change – perhaps because we do learn at least something from each of these unsuccessful relationships.  So, when you’re ready, (no rush here! – you really can’t rush these things) start looking ahead – to the next possibility. 

Socialize – get out there – meet new people – make some new friends! It will feel good.  Of course it’s best not to expect to meet someone “dazzling” right away.  It truly does take time to meet someone special – but lay the ground work by getting out there and circulating – that’s usually a good thing for a human being to do, no matter what.

ELEVEN

RE-ESTABLISH, RE-AFFIRM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR FRIENDS.  There’s nothing like good, warm, understanding, loving and lovable friends after a heartbreak. Thank God for friends!  Now is the time to seek them out, talk with them, do things with them.  Of course you must try not to talk one friend’s ear off about your situation – that can be very hard to endure.  If you need that much help, it’s time to consider seeking professional help. 

 

And do be grateful for the kindness shown to you by others who reach out to you at this time. Once you feel a bit better it would be very lovely – thoughtful – of you to send a thank you note, little gift, flowers or whatever to any friend who was especially comforting, understanding and helpful to you during the period of difficulty.

TWELVE

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY…AND – THIS TOO SHALL PASS – believe us – THIS TOO SHALL PASS…

*from http://iSleepless.com

 

I’m not about self pity. Your love did me wrong, so I’m moving on.

True love? I used to believe it existed, but when you’ve had your heart torn out and thrown on the floor, you just don’t care anymore.

I had a heart and it was true. It fled from me and went to you. Be kind to it as I have done, for you have two and I have none.

Try not to wonder about what might have been, ‘cause that was then and we have taken different roads. We can’t go back again, there’s no use giving in. And there’s no way to know, what might have been.

Someone can walk into your life and it is not until after they walk out that you realize that they were even there.

Love can tear you apart… it can kill you. But if you’re lucky, it can put you back together. – Wonder Years.

I guess I thought you’d be here forever. Another illusion I chose to create. Don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And I found out just a little too late. – Chicago

It hurts to see you walk away. For admit it or not, you were an important part of my life and the time we shared will forever be a part of me. So even though I realize that it was never meant to be, still, it hurts.

You’re too many tears too late to ever get back in my arms.

How could an Angel break my heart? Why didn’t he catch my falling star? I wish I didn’t wish so hard. Maybe I wished our love apart. – Toni Braxton

If you leave, don’t look back.

Someday you’ll look and we’ll be gone… but tomorrow may bring rain, so I’ll follow the sun. – U2

I’m not gonna cry. I’m waving goodbye and I know this time you got nothing on me.

If he wanted the world to be a happier place, he’d lift my tears up off of my face. And if he wanted the world to keep spinning around, he’d pick the pieces of my heart up off of the ground.

You have been the treasure in my hand. You have been the one who always stood beside me. So unaware, I foolishly believed that you would always be there. But then there will come a day, when I will turn my head and you will slip away.

You wondered how you’d make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you’re looking for, is the one thing you can’t see. – Vanessa Williams

I think I let her slip away. Kind of like when you try and hold water in your hands and you close your fingers as tight as possible, but yet the water leaks out.

Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars.

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I’d see you again. – James Taylor

If you lost your love for me, you never let it show.

You said you didn’t need me in your life. I guess you were right.

Didn’t we almost have it all?

Loving is so short and forgetting so long.

Oh, I shouldn’t care or wonder where and how you are. But I can’t hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I’m fighting back emotions that I’ve never fought before, ‘cause I’m not supposed to love you anymore.

I can’t cry hard enough for you to hear me.

The tears I wish to wipe away, will run unchecked for another day. Alas, that is the price I pay. – Mike Archer

No, I can’t erase the wrong I’ve done but I hope you can give me another chance. Because if you were me, you would want the same and I’d give that chance to you.

You love to hate the one who loves the one you hate to love.

Even if my heart should call out your name in the rain. Even if these arms should want to embrace you again. And even if I’m all cried out and no longer in pain… I’ll never fall in love that way again.

Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart…

*from krystal of TristanCafe Pinoy Forums

(this is a long-ago letter in my Multiply account. I do not need to elaborate to whom I dedicated this letter to..)

To R,

The last time I saw you was sometime in the last quarter of 2007. We just smiled at each other and exchange a few words. I was then thinking of our last meeting before that, where we updated each other with plans and goals for the next months ahead. You even reminded me of our arranged gift-giving for the holidays. We were happy, then. Or, maybe I thought that we were happy. I don’t want everything to be clouded by my insecurities and regrets, but I still want to believe that we were happy.

That was our last meeting.

A few months later, I can now hold my head up high and think of you with a bittersweet smile in my face. The defuncted gift-giving no longer happened, and I no longer cared to point it out. Okay, maybe I still do. But sue me, I am so proud.

Sometimes, I would pass by a certain place and remember the fun that we had together, the conversation that passed, the songs we both shared. Those were the times that would provide me with a bittersweet smile in my face. I wouldn’t deny that I would be overwhelmed with regret and depression everytime I think of you. I was always filled with ‘what ifs’. What if I just give up my pride and maybe we could just go on with what we’ve had all along? What if we hadn’t had that second-to-the-last meeting?

No matter how many what if’s I write, of course I could never turn back what has happened. No matter how long I stare at your profile and will you to think of me, you wouldn’t. You couldn’t have. And who am I to hope anyway. For years I have known you and accepted who you are. I have learned to cling on to whatever friendship we had shared. It was friendship, right? Or am I just imagining it all along? You did enjoy being with me, right? I haven’t forced you. Maybe I did, but you know you always have the last word with everything, and I am your most willing disciple.

There were moments wherein only my willpower is the one that prevents me from saying ‘hello’ to you. I know you are just a click away. But I won’t. After all, you haven’t done anything to bridge whatever the gap that has develop between the two of us. Our relationship seemed to have been in a standstill for the last few months. Do you miss me? Do you miss laughing around, fooling around with me? Because I do. I doubt if you even think of me. But I hope that you do, I hope that somehow our friendship meant something to you.

But despite everything, I am greatful for getting to know you. Despite our continued ignorance of each other, I clung to the memories that we’ve shared. Bittersweet as you made me, I know that I still hope for you to go on with your life, to find your dreams. I hope that you find the inspiration that you have always sought, the passion that you always complained to be missing. I wish that you would get along with your environment. I still wish you this, despite the fact that you haven’t even bothered to wish anything for me.

If by chance we bump into each other again, I would still end up giving you a smile. Maybe a few words or two. I have no idea what you are going to tell me. I don’t know if you are still planning to continue what you had said to be the late-holidays celebration. Maybe you would surprise me. You’re good at that, at surprises.

If by chance we won’t ever meet again, I still want to wish my hopes and wishes for you to be granted. After all, you are a dear friend.

And I am missing you, really.

When people would ask me about my lovelife and learn that I am still the same, that is, still single since birth, they only have one comment. Don’t worry, it will come, you just have to wait. I want to scream at them, I went to say stop it. Don’t comment about my status. Don’t tell me to just wait. I would rather accept a no comment reply, or I would rather have you change the topic than giving me that pathetic answer: Don’t worry, it will come.

Because it is the same comment that I receive from people, over and over again. The same comment that I want to haul back at their face. They do not understand me, my situation. They, for me, are the Others. They are content with their own lovelives, bashing all over their boyfriends, their dates, their affairs. They must have forgotten that no-so-long-ago, when they are nothing but a single chick like me, they moan and whine about the unfairness of their own lovelives.

But the moment that they have found their own respective partners, they turn to me and say, it’s not a big problem you know. So why the rush?

Fuck.

I want to ask them, have you went an operation lately that the anesthesia they have provided you caused selective forgetfulness? Have you forgotten the endless nights you’ve spent calling me on my landline, ranting to me how pathetic you are because your beau is not giving you the attention that you crave? How you promised that one day, when the time has come that you would find a boyfriend, you’d help me find my own?

Why then, when you had already left the singlehood association, when I am relating to you my own pathetic grievances about my lovelife, would you turn to me and say, just wait, okay, it will come? Why do you berate me when I tell you about my pathetic existence, and even had the nerve to tell me that I should not dream of having a boyfriend because it will only provoke tears and pain?

Yes, I am angry. Because people tend to look at this situation in a nonchalant way. They would say that it is not really a problem. They, who are happy to snuggle in their own comfortable lovelives. They, who have someone to hook up with every Friday, or every weekend. They, who have that special someone that they need to look up to during valentine’s, christmas and even new year. They, who have someone whom they could call and rant their own personal problems with. I am not saying that having a significant other is the perfect solution. Of course, there are problems that can be encountered also. But look on the bright side. You have someone.

Think of that single person who visits the club on her own, dressed in her best dress, sitting in the bar, trying to look calm and poised, when all the while she was praying that there would be a man who would be brave enough to talk to her, or buy her next drink. Think of that single girl staying at home during weekends, curling infront of her television, watching endless episodes of her favorite series, or romance movies, crying her heart out, memorizing all those sappy love quotes and feeling like the movie is written in accordance to their situation. Think of the business-minded career woman who, because she cannot change her lovelife, decided to concentrate on climbing on the executive ladder, to show the male population that she is unaffected, that she is powerful. Think of the woman who suddenly decided to go to the gym, or to social gatherings, because she might meet her partner there. Think of the single girl who cries to bed at night, who spends the last remaining minutes of her day asking God to show her the man that was meant for her.

You don’t know don’t you. All of you in-a-relationship friends. You think that every single girl in here is happy, while in reality, we are all looking for that significant other. You don’t understand the emotions of a single girl when she would rant to you her depression, her never-ending questions as to why she is still in that status. You have no idea about that, of course. Because all of you are too wrapped up in your own personal affairs to contemplate the feeling of loneliness, of despair, or being alone. Of course, the moment that your relationship begins to crumble, the moment you are dumped and hastily returned back to singlehood, you decided that you feel their pain after all, the pain of being alone, of being single. You decide to mingle with your single friends, because they knew how it is to be alone.

So, the next time you ask a single girl about her lovelife and she replied on the negative, do not say, it will come. Just don’t comment at all. You are rubbing pain in the wound you know. Or better yet, just change the topic, if you do not want us silently wishing your relationship to break apart.

 

 

I did the unforgivable.

While I hid his site from some of a close friend who asked the url address, I never had a chance to refuse my officemate’s request on seeing his blog. I wasn’t able to use my excuse that that site is too personal, or too emotional, for him, and yes for me.

I wasn’t supposed to discover that blog. It was for his personal and private use. But since he has already posted a link in it in Multiply, I figured, well, he created a link there, so maybe it’s okay to browse there every once in a while.

And I allowed his site to be condemned by a third party.

Whenever I feel depressed, or in a desperate need of uplifting, I try my best to find a really really good book. And his blog entries lately made me comment to an officemate of mine how I wanted to buy a book, like right now. I said that when we were going to the Patio to buy lunch.

During lunch time, my officemate asked me for the url of that account, so she could visit it. And I was not able to refuse her.

She read the entries which caused me pain for the past few days. I cringed. This is bad. This is to personal for him, too emotional, and too hurting for me. And yet, here I was showing it to a third party who don’t even know his name.

Her reactions to the posts were an ego-burst for me. “Duh, men..no, not men, boys..”

“They never grow up, this is full of OA..”

I told her, had she learn my private blog, she would condemn me the same words that she has condemned him. BUt she replied, “but you are a girl, we tend to be too emotional. Boys tend to be too OA..”

As an unconcerned third person, her verdict was, that he wasn’t liked by the girl. For a mort hurtful term.. “nandidiri sa kanya ung girl” let’s ace it shall we, when a girl learns, or feels that a guy likes her, if she doesn’t like him, she will draw a big fat line, she will ignore him, as if he doesn’t exist.

Which is basically what I have done to some guy just a few months ago. I ignored his advances til he felt like crap.

My officemate said, the entries are nothing but a gramblings of a guy who is ignored by a girl whom he loves, and that he felt that much cravings for the girl because she could never be available for him.

To make the most of her blunt scrutiny, I then asked..”So what am I? An ego-booster?”

She replied, “Maybe, he really is for friendships ake, but yes, you are his ego-booster. Since he can’t have the girl that he likes, he’s obviously going after someone who is crazy for him, and you’re letting him getting it. You’re not contradicting his advances you know. You are encouraging it.”

And so I was like, woah, that was a snap, a painful snap in the side of my head. I was snapped back into consciousness. Her words might be hurtful, she might not have known him at all, but her meaning went straight home. Why would I pin for someone who is for another person? He is making a crap out of himself. He has to move on. It’s trashy, men, Boys are not supposed to be like that.

“But he is, and he is never that exact person. “

“Exactly, which is the reason why you should think of this as nothing. He just can’t over the fact that he’s dumped. Do not dwell on that. Like move on?”

I got the wake-up call that I needed. Yes he is in love, but just like me, he was pinning over someone that he can’t have. And so what if he really like that person? There is no way she could like him back, he was honest about that.

And I cannot do anything about it, right? Except pretend that I do not care about it all. So he’ll be using me as an ego-booster. Let’s see.

Through my officemate’s view, I was awaken to my senses. Haha, at least for the time being.

My officemate remarked, “Till next blog..”

That’s right. Because I’ll be following the chronicles of his infatuation, and thanks to my officemate, I managed to see the situation in a different perspective.

 

 

I told a friend yesterday that from now on I shall be censoring my entries in my Multiply account, which I had been thinking of doing for the last few months. Because, well, the entries here can get a little too trashy sometimes, particularly when I am in the mood to just rant. And my rants can be a little too emotional, really.

But heck, why would I want to do so? That was me, then. I was just being truthful with what I write. I never kept a journal, and my blogs seemed the perfect outlet for me. I have always been an aspiring writer, so even though my compositions can get too bummed out sometimes, its my way of expressing out myself and my anger.

Where is this going? Nowhere it seems. As like my previous entry here, I am still in a state of shock. Damn. Of course I have known it all along. And damn me, it was a hammer that I keep on thumping in my head. I’d like to quote Meredith Grey when she has said “Why do I keep on hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so damn good when I stop!”

I am being masochist. I love dwelling in the pain, and the hurt that it forever causes me. Nah, this is just the weird personality of me speaking out, the weird, crazy, insane and bummed out me. But really, the pain I keep on inflicting on myself seemed to deepen my wounds, which in reality, have never ceased to heal.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. There were news that I have heard from friends that took me by surprise. All the while I keep on asking myself, why only them? Why can’t anything new happened to me? I was in a position where in I am currently experiencing a mid-life crisis. Funny things is, I am just 23.

Damn. I need a distraction. I was too engrossed with catching up with other people’s lives. In doing so, I see myself being frozen in time, and I hate being so. I questioned my position for being so. It’s not as if there were no distraction that passed by. There was, for a time. And I am honest enough to say that I have been a little too distracted, and tempted, that for a time I thought that this could be the one who will take away my hammer.

Come on, I am just sidestepping the real reason why I suddenly decided to write this entry. But, I am honest enough to accept the fact that I am still on the stage of denial (and endless hoping) in thinking of it as otherwise. After all, how could it not? I am just here, sitting in my own comfortable couch, when the world suddenly decided to spin, and I was caught off-guard with its turn.

But with each passing day, I am learning to accept the inevitable, which I should have learned a long long time ago, which I refused to accept because my hammer really is a good hurting device. Really, I should have moved on a long time ago. And yet, condemn me, I did not.

Sorry Cha, I was paranoid. And I was too hard-headed for my own sake. Should have listen to you, should have just ignored those blinking orange lights and go with the green light.

I revel in the pain, because I thought that when the hurt is too much, it will then become a tingling, almost enjoyable sensation. But it did not. And it can never be. So, the thing is, since there will be no one to come to take away my hammer, I will continue hitting myself with it, until I finally get into my senses, realize that I have hurt myself too much. It will, I hope, come to a point where I can no longer accept more pain and more hurt. It will come to a point where I would realize that there is no one who can pull this hammer away from me. It has to be done by myself alone.

Until that time will come, the hammer will continue hitting me, until I force it to stop.

I hope it would be anytime soon.

 

I have an entry like this one in Multiply, written almost one month ago, that is pertaining to another person. He was the one whom I now consider as a summer fling. Looking back, he was indeed a summer fling. It all started in an overnight swimming, and had ended in another overnight swimming too.

I would like to say that I haven’t got any hard feelings for him. I would like to consider him as a friend who occupied my thoughts for the better two months of the summer of 2008.There were no hard feelings for the little flirtation that I had engaged with him. Never mind if he had a girlfriend, never mind if I spent the better half of my monthly cellphone allowance just so I could reply to his everyday messages. At least he had distracted me.

I now write this entry, not because of him. But because of another person.

Of course, who am I talking about this time? I won’t say a name, nor a clue. But for those who have known me for quite a time, they would know who he is of course. Let’s just say that he is that one person who will always be a big part of my life.

He never walked out on me. But literally, he was away. And I chose to distance myself away from him for the main reason that I do not want my whole world to revolve around him, the way that it did exactly one year ago. I had been in heaven-and-hell the whole of last year. I was thrown into a roller-coaster ride that I had willingly climbed myself into. It was exhilirating, and destructful at the same time.

I tried my best, not to contact him. Last year, I couldn’t resist the urge to invite him out on a movie, on a dinner. I cannot resist the temptation of even sending a forwarded message to him. I was that infatuated, that crazy.

That was then. Of course, I could still feel the urge to do so, every once in awhile. But his being away helped me cure this addiction, this insanity. I was forced to look at myself, and realize what a fool I have become. I do feel the same way for him, of course. I don’t know how long I would be like this. And yet, at least, now I am slowly coming back to the surface. I now figured, I have already collected my broken pride.

During the last quarter of last year, I have done things, said things that I wouldn’t have dreamed of saying and doing when I was young. I opened my heart and mind to the consequences, let my innermost feelings be exposed. It took me quite a long time to find myself together after my revelation. I was in my most-downing moments. I never thought I could be myself again.

But I did. Even if that person (to whom my entry of the same title in Multiply was dedicated to) and I no longer communicate with each other, I would be forever greatful to him, for he had helped me in picking up the pieces of me. He helped me, with his attention, his flirtation. I was for a time, enarmored by him.

Now back to the other guy, I dedicate this entry to. He was, and always is, a good friend. If comes July and he would decide to contact me, I still wouldn’t know how to act around him. Maybe I would remain the same of course, while in mind there is the thought that despite my friendly attitudes, he have known that I have fallen in love with him, even after all these years.

But, even if we still see each other, I am now wary. For underneath my apparent enjoyment of being with him, was my knowledge that he had already fallen in love with another, and that I no longer have any chance with him, no matter how hard I pray and will for it to happen. It is the tide, I cannot swim against the flow.

He was in love, and I believe he still is, to a girl whose identity I might never know at all. In my mind, I hoped that it was me, but that is only the crazy part of me, hoping to find the needle in a haystack. It could never be me. The painful part is, he has hovered his affections for her for the same number of months that I still haven’t move on, the same number of months wherein my pride has been shattered.

I vowed that I will move on, but pardon me if I would dwell on those moments wherein I cannot help but take pity on myself. And yet somehow, I know, little steps at a time, that I am moving forwards..

I know I have already said this a gazillion times before, but perhaps I will never fall in love again with the same intensity as I have fallen in love with him. After all, this was been seven years and counting. There are bitterness inside me, I know. But there is no longer regret. I have done everything I could. If fate would not let me be together, I am at least thankful that it has given me the opportunity of getting to know him.

Yes, he was my almost lover. He never knew that of course. But for every little meeting that we have, every dinner, every exchange of news with each other, I have always hoped. Now, I shall throw this hope to the winds, because that is all there is, false hopes.

But still, let me say this.. “I have loved you…and thank you..,”