(this is a long-ago letter in my Multiply account. I do not need to elaborate to whom I dedicated this letter to..)

To R,

The last time I saw you was sometime in the last quarter of 2007. We just smiled at each other and exchange a few words. I was then thinking of our last meeting before that, where we updated each other with plans and goals for the next months ahead. You even reminded me of our arranged gift-giving for the holidays. We were happy, then. Or, maybe I thought that we were happy. I don’t want everything to be clouded by my insecurities and regrets, but I still want to believe that we were happy.

That was our last meeting.

A few months later, I can now hold my head up high and think of you with a bittersweet smile in my face. The defuncted gift-giving no longer happened, and I no longer cared to point it out. Okay, maybe I still do. But sue me, I am so proud.

Sometimes, I would pass by a certain place and remember the fun that we had together, the conversation that passed, the songs we both shared. Those were the times that would provide me with a bittersweet smile in my face. I wouldn’t deny that I would be overwhelmed with regret and depression everytime I think of you. I was always filled with ‘what ifs’. What if I just give up my pride and maybe we could just go on with what we’ve had all along? What if we hadn’t had that second-to-the-last meeting?

No matter how many what if’s I write, of course I could never turn back what has happened. No matter how long I stare at your profile and will you to think of me, you wouldn’t. You couldn’t have. And who am I to hope anyway. For years I have known you and accepted who you are. I have learned to cling on to whatever friendship we had shared. It was friendship, right? Or am I just imagining it all along? You did enjoy being with me, right? I haven’t forced you. Maybe I did, but you know you always have the last word with everything, and I am your most willing disciple.

There were moments wherein only my willpower is the one that prevents me from saying ‘hello’ to you. I know you are just a click away. But I won’t. After all, you haven’t done anything to bridge whatever the gap that has develop between the two of us. Our relationship seemed to have been in a standstill for the last few months. Do you miss me? Do you miss laughing around, fooling around with me? Because I do. I doubt if you even think of me. But I hope that you do, I hope that somehow our friendship meant something to you.

But despite everything, I am greatful for getting to know you. Despite our continued ignorance of each other, I clung to the memories that we’ve shared. Bittersweet as you made me, I know that I still hope for you to go on with your life, to find your dreams. I hope that you find the inspiration that you have always sought, the passion that you always complained to be missing. I wish that you would get along with your environment. I still wish you this, despite the fact that you haven’t even bothered to wish anything for me.

If by chance we bump into each other again, I would still end up giving you a smile. Maybe a few words or two. I have no idea what you are going to tell me. I don’t know if you are still planning to continue what you had said to be the late-holidays celebration. Maybe you would surprise me. You’re good at that, at surprises.

If by chance we won’t ever meet again, I still want to wish my hopes and wishes for you to be granted. After all, you are a dear friend.

And I am missing you, really.