I did the unforgivable.

While I hid his site from some of a close friend who asked the url address, I never had a chance to refuse my officemate’s request on seeing his blog. I wasn’t able to use my excuse that that site is too personal, or too emotional, for him, and yes for me.

I wasn’t supposed to discover that blog. It was for his personal and private use. But since he has already posted a link in it in Multiply, I figured, well, he created a link there, so maybe it’s okay to browse there every once in a while.

And I allowed his site to be condemned by a third party.

Whenever I feel depressed, or in a desperate need of uplifting, I try my best to find a really really good book. And his blog entries lately made me comment to an officemate of mine how I wanted to buy a book, like right now. I said that when we were going to the Patio to buy lunch.

During lunch time, my officemate asked me for the url of that account, so she could visit it. And I was not able to refuse her.

She read the entries which caused me pain for the past few days. I cringed. This is bad. This is to personal for him, too emotional, and too hurting for me. And yet, here I was showing it to a third party who don’t even know his name.

Her reactions to the posts were an ego-burst for me. “Duh, men..no, not men, boys..”

“They never grow up, this is full of OA..”

I told her, had she learn my private blog, she would condemn me the same words that she has condemned him. BUt she replied, “but you are a girl, we tend to be too emotional. Boys tend to be too OA..”

As an unconcerned third person, her verdict was, that he wasn’t liked by the girl. For a mort hurtful term.. “nandidiri sa kanya ung girl” let’s ace it shall we, when a girl learns, or feels that a guy likes her, if she doesn’t like him, she will draw a big fat line, she will ignore him, as if he doesn’t exist.

Which is basically what I have done to some guy just a few months ago. I ignored his advances til he felt like crap.

My officemate said, the entries are nothing but a gramblings of a guy who is ignored by a girl whom he loves, and that he felt that much cravings for the girl because she could never be available for him.

To make the most of her blunt scrutiny, I then asked..”So what am I? An ego-booster?”

She replied, “Maybe, he really is for friendships ake, but yes, you are his ego-booster. Since he can’t have the girl that he likes, he’s obviously going after someone who is crazy for him, and you’re letting him getting it. You’re not contradicting his advances you know. You are encouraging it.”

And so I was like, woah, that was a snap, a painful snap in the side of my head. I was snapped back into consciousness. Her words might be hurtful, she might not have known him at all, but her meaning went straight home. Why would I pin for someone who is for another person? He is making a crap out of himself. He has to move on. It’s trashy, men, Boys are not supposed to be like that.

“But he is, and he is never that exact person. “

“Exactly, which is the reason why you should think of this as nothing. He just can’t over the fact that he’s dumped. Do not dwell on that. Like move on?”

I got the wake-up call that I needed. Yes he is in love, but just like me, he was pinning over someone that he can’t have. And so what if he really like that person? There is no way she could like him back, he was honest about that.

And I cannot do anything about it, right? Except pretend that I do not care about it all. So he’ll be using me as an ego-booster. Let’s see.

Through my officemate’s view, I was awaken to my senses. Haha, at least for the time being.

My officemate remarked, “Till next blog..”

That’s right. Because I’ll be following the chronicles of his infatuation, and thanks to my officemate, I managed to see the situation in a different perspective.

 

 

I told a friend yesterday that from now on I shall be censoring my entries in my Multiply account, which I had been thinking of doing for the last few months. Because, well, the entries here can get a little too trashy sometimes, particularly when I am in the mood to just rant. And my rants can be a little too emotional, really.

But heck, why would I want to do so? That was me, then. I was just being truthful with what I write. I never kept a journal, and my blogs seemed the perfect outlet for me. I have always been an aspiring writer, so even though my compositions can get too bummed out sometimes, its my way of expressing out myself and my anger.

Where is this going? Nowhere it seems. As like my previous entry here, I am still in a state of shock. Damn. Of course I have known it all along. And damn me, it was a hammer that I keep on thumping in my head. I’d like to quote Meredith Grey when she has said “Why do I keep on hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so damn good when I stop!”

I am being masochist. I love dwelling in the pain, and the hurt that it forever causes me. Nah, this is just the weird personality of me speaking out, the weird, crazy, insane and bummed out me. But really, the pain I keep on inflicting on myself seemed to deepen my wounds, which in reality, have never ceased to heal.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. There were news that I have heard from friends that took me by surprise. All the while I keep on asking myself, why only them? Why can’t anything new happened to me? I was in a position where in I am currently experiencing a mid-life crisis. Funny things is, I am just 23.

Damn. I need a distraction. I was too engrossed with catching up with other people’s lives. In doing so, I see myself being frozen in time, and I hate being so. I questioned my position for being so. It’s not as if there were no distraction that passed by. There was, for a time. And I am honest enough to say that I have been a little too distracted, and tempted, that for a time I thought that this could be the one who will take away my hammer.

Come on, I am just sidestepping the real reason why I suddenly decided to write this entry. But, I am honest enough to accept the fact that I am still on the stage of denial (and endless hoping) in thinking of it as otherwise. After all, how could it not? I am just here, sitting in my own comfortable couch, when the world suddenly decided to spin, and I was caught off-guard with its turn.

But with each passing day, I am learning to accept the inevitable, which I should have learned a long long time ago, which I refused to accept because my hammer really is a good hurting device. Really, I should have moved on a long time ago. And yet, condemn me, I did not.

Sorry Cha, I was paranoid. And I was too hard-headed for my own sake. Should have listen to you, should have just ignored those blinking orange lights and go with the green light.

I revel in the pain, because I thought that when the hurt is too much, it will then become a tingling, almost enjoyable sensation. But it did not. And it can never be. So, the thing is, since there will be no one to come to take away my hammer, I will continue hitting myself with it, until I finally get into my senses, realize that I have hurt myself too much. It will, I hope, come to a point where I can no longer accept more pain and more hurt. It will come to a point where I would realize that there is no one who can pull this hammer away from me. It has to be done by myself alone.

Until that time will come, the hammer will continue hitting me, until I force it to stop.

I hope it would be anytime soon.